Thursday morning started a bit stormy, and I felt a bit of a rumble in the house as I hear the boom of thunder and splash of rain before I was even all the way out of bed. I’m in the same place where I have been. I thought I might have moved by now, but it hasn’t worked out. It’s all the same song, different day. I need to do better. I know this. But I also need to give myself a bit of grace.
Since I last posted in this blog I did not get approved for two different apartments because I am still rebuilding both credit and income. But I have looked at this year so far, and there is definite improvement over how I have been doing the last couple years, so for now, I am choosing to make that my focus.
When I swim in my failure and try to to reach for random moments of success like little life preservers they all seem few and far between and are hard to catch. When I default my mind to things are getting better than obstacles are things to dodge. It is still a challenge. The more there are the more they are bound to bump me every now and then, but I know I need to stop letting them weigh me down. This, of course, is easier said than done.
Despite the early morning sky grumbles, I feel like I had a pretty good day. I met my daughter for a belated birthday dinner, and I even broke down and had a margarita.
The Exhaustion in the Mind That’s Felt All Over
Often my mental health challenges leave me exhausted much of the day, but there was less of that than usual and I got my dishes done — except for the two I found after the fact in other rooms. I also got a couple small financial tasks taken care of as well. Yesterday wasn’t too bad either. It was a big writing day.
Today, I wrote less than I wanted to, and here I am working close to bedtime, offsetting my margarita with a cup of coffee which will likely turn my sleep weird. I’m here, blogging because I renewed my website for another year, and figure I better make better use of it. It’s also a “great” way to procrastinate.
I made some strides in my organization. Traditional schedules are still hard for me with my ADHD, but I’ve been experimenting. I started by blocking a couple of hours at a time and assigning that time to specific tasks, which only partly worked. Now I have my Alexa devices ask me what I did four times a day, at 10:30 a.m., 12:30 p.m., 3 p.m. and 6:30 p.m. — this is designed to combat ADHD and related time blindness. My first goal is to be able to answer that I did something productive and important every time I get an alert. I don’t have to think of the whole day right them and there, just commit to something over the next couple hours. Even that is a work in progress, but I am progressing at least.
I’m tracking more of my work in a spreadsheet also, which gives me greater visibility into what I need to do in days to come. I’m also considering tracking my moods at different times to I can make the most out of my best time of day.
For too long I have been in either a state of despair or overcome, and it is like living with a slow leak in a bicycle tire. Before you know it you’re struggling to ride uphill on just your rims. I need better patches, and I need a stronger awareness of when those patches need to be changed so I can keep moving in the right direction.