I am late on my blog, but the good news is I had developed a sort of subdued consistency, Something that isn’t an easy task with ADHD and excessive stress. With house members gone for the bulk of the day I have been getting more writing done as well as a little more exercise and cleaning. If everything goes mostly as planned I will be living alone with my dog by the end of the year. Right now, this is how I want it. I am peopled out. But they are here now. All. The. Time.
A Lightened Load, Heavy Again
Why are they all here? That perpetual pandemic, or a possibility of it, has come into play. My grandson has a cold. I believe strongly that he has a run of the mill cold, possibly an ear infection, but he has a Covid-19 test pending, and it will take a few days to know the results.
I don’t have a lot of close contact with my grandson, and I feel no different than usual. I am 50. I feel much more confident in my ability to dodge the common cold than Covid. I think I would be much sicker if Covid was in the house. Either way, I am isolated. I am anyway.
My grandson’s parents are a bit less than well, but this too could be a cold. They are in their 20s. They have been hovering over their son with no precautions, and forgoing sleep for recreational pursuits.
My daughter got her tools to work from home. My grandson’s father has made temporary arrangements to work from home too and is not taking it well.
If things were normal, I would take my turn. I would turn on a show on my TV in my room/office and let him watch something age appropriate with my dog. Or he could color. Or play learning games on my tablet. But they have made me an enemy for simply loving their child, so my involvement right now is minimal.
My heart has gone past broken and is all but numb for its own protection. But working is hard. Focusing is hard with so much extra going on. My motion is slower, but if I stop it will just be worse. It will be two steps back instead of one, and I cannot afford that.
Where to Move, Where to Pause
I am mostly determined to still move forward, somehow, even in the midst of chaos and distraction and blatant disrespect. I had just started therapy via zoom, but without privacy, I have had to postpone for two more weeks. Hopefully, the end of this chapter and the beginning on the next will be in sight. I feel wronged, and when I feel wronged I just want a tsunami to wash it off and give me a clean slate.
When I return to therapy, I am supposed to have goals, things I want to accomplish as part of therapy.
I want to hit the fast forward button that brings everything full circle, so that I can move mostly forward with a wiggly wannabe straight line. I am not naïve enough to think I can operate in an actual straight line, and I am knowledgeable enough about my own mind to realize how highly unlikely it is for me to achieve this.
I want $1500 in monthly income, which is nearly triple what I have now. I want an environment that is a functional mess, rather than a chaotic one. I want to be less isolated from those who may be supportive, and to stand strong when things are unfair. I want to admit anger and disappointment, without allowing it to consume me. I want to learn to take better care of myself, and retain that is a noble pursuit. I want to not step on others as I do this. I want a clear conscience in my methods.
My therapist cannot make this happen. She is a human being, not a magician. Even in therapy, you need to live your life, and your sessions are like highway markers to make sure you are still moving forward towards a somewhat better life.